Saturday, September 26, 2009

I know that God is with Chandler

You know how you plan and plan something, and it still will not go as you planned.. This was not the case with Chandler. I know that God was all way with us, helping us every moment and every step..
Since July I was told that I can have Chandler any time, so I had my hospital bag packed and I brought a lot of towels and clothes to change in case my water brakes at work. But it did not happen, because God knew that it was not a time..
My husband Tom had a big day of new stadium opening at the University he works at on September 12, so we were nervous that Chandler will come around this day, and he did not..
On Friday, September 11, my Mom told us that she has to be with us during the delivery, so she left Russia on Saturday to be here on Monday. On Monday, first time during whole pregnancy, I had a bad pain on my left side, and I was thinking that Chandler is coming. I prayed God to give me few more hours so my Mom could be here (she was flying in at 9.40 pm), and he did! Pain went away and did not come back until next morning..
My Mom told me that she had never had such a wonderful trip, train, planes everything was on time, not to mention that she could buy tickets day before her departure and all of them were available and she had great sits. Plane came to Cleveland hour earlier and Tom was already there! She could fall a sleep at 11.00 pm and woke up at 8.0o am as she was living with us for a while (sometimes time change adjustment takes about a week or so). So by Wednesday, she was all rested and ready to meet her first Grandson!
We came to the hospital 2 hours before the c-section as we were told. Nurse told us that they are never on time because there is always some emergency c-section. But, you know what, they were on time!
Chandler was such and joy and Miracle! I told you how many things he accomplished and give us every opportunity to enjoy him!
Tom and I were nervous about the day of funeral (September 24). Tom planned everything, I was not participating in any arrangements, we did discuss it at home but I trusted him with everything! And you know what, we had the most beautiful service!
They were calling for rain this day. I was upset about it because we had a service in the cemetery. But rain did not come! We had cloudy and very warm and pleasant day! We had about 70 -80 people during the service: family, friends, co-workers. Our photographer sent us Chandler's pictures, so we had a chance to print one out so everyone could see how beautiful our son is! Tom opened the ceremony and he said the most wonderful speech Father can tell his Son. He had to stop few times because of tears and it made is even more sensitive and precious. He had a dream after Chandler died that he is at the end of the tunnel and his Mom (she passed away on April 22, 2008) was waiting for him and handsome man staying next to her. Tom did not know who this man was but his Mom told him that this is our Son Chandler. She told him that Chandler will take him further. Tom said that he woke up so happy because he knows that that one day we will meet our son again. He woke me up and told me this story..
After Tom finished his speech, our Pastor took guitar and played the most beautiful song Becca sent me - Precious Child. As soon as I heard this Son, I could not even imaging any other song for Chandler's funeral. Tom told Pastor about this song two nights before the funeral and he managed to learn it on his guitar!! He added few words to make it for Chandler and it was so wonderful that I could not stop crying!! He said that he will record it for me on CD, so I will post it as soon as I have it.
All together, Chandler's funeral was just beautiful. Yes, it was a sad day for us, as his parents, but it was beautiful at the same time.
One thing I forgot to mention is how many cards and flowers we got. I got cards from some people from work I hardly know. I work for multinational company, so my boss told me that people from many different countries called and ask him to forward they sympathies. I am so touched..
Thanks all of you for your support and prayers! I truly believe that all of you helped us during this difficult time and we really appreciate it.
I love you all!
P.S. This is another picture I adore of Chandler. I feel like he is looking right at my eyes and trying to tell me something!

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Monday, September 21, 2009

Chandler's Picutres - Maternity Pictures

I do not have Chandler's pictures on the Earth yet, but I have few pictures I wanted to share when him and I were inseparable..

Chandler Thomas Kemp - Arrival & Departure

Our Dear Son Chandler Thomas was born on Wednesday, September 16, 2009 at 1.21 pm. He was 6 lb, 16 oz, 17 inch long. He has the most beautiful face and thick black curly hair. He gave us 39 minutes of his precious life and he had a lot to accomplish:
- He cried when he was born
- He was trying to talk with his Mommy and Daddy while they were holding him
- He was making funny faces when Mommy was touching his face
- He made funny face to his Aunt when she touched his chin
- He opened his eyes to see his Mommy and Daddy
- He opened his eyes to see the rest of the family
- He was holding Mom's finder in his beautiful arms
- He got baptized
- He melted every heart in the room and left the most beautiful memories and love everyone will keep forever.

It was only 39 minutes we could share but it was the most wonderful 39 minutes in my life.

I love you, Chandler! Thank you for being my Son. Your Mommy and Daddy will always remember you as their precious first son and they will love you forever!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

We have our c-section scheduled for September 16th

Today I had my 36 weeks appointment with the ultrasound. I cannot believe how good my Chandler is. He is already head down, as he should me, facing up. The only issue is that his head got so big that machine could not even measure it.. His limbs did not grow much, just by couple of days for 7 weeks since last ultrasound. But this heart bit is still strong and good 140. At some point technician scared me asking if I feel him moving lately.. As soon as she asked it, he started moving like crazy! My little boy was just sleeping!! Unfortunately we could not see his precious face today because of his position, but now I will get to see him in 6 days! Sounds so unreal! I was trying do not think about this day, because I can carry him forever under my heart , but I guess it is coming soon, which makes me sad.

So there were no discussion about vaginal delivery. Doctor said that nobody was able to deliver vaginally with the baby's head like this, and we cannot wait until 39 weeks because it will get only bigger plus because of my fluid, so we need to schedule c-section for next week. So September 16th is the day.. Please pray for us.. I cannot even think about it right now.. I am not ready to loose him..

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Milk Bank

I had my 35 weeks dr appointment today. Gained another 7 pounds, not happy about that. My blood pressure was 104 to 70, happy about that. Even more happy about Chandler's heart rate 145. I finally have my ultrasound scheduled for next week!!!!!! They are also planning to take some fluid out, did not plan on that, but I am sure that they know what they are doing. So next weeks, I will see my little pumpkin again, I cannot wait! Doctor said that they will have detailed measurements done and make a decision if I will need a C-section, if so, the earliest can be done at 39 weeks, which is ok with me. Longer my little Chandler with me is better!

I just got a phone call form the breastfeeding specialist. She was asking me if I am considering donating my milk to the milk bank. I was thinking about it for a while but I still could not give her a definite answer. I feel a little bit selfish here, but here are my thoughts and here where I need your advice..

I understand that by doing that I will help some other kids in Chandler's memory. But.. I cannot even imaging pumping milk and do not have a baby?? Going to work, and trying to pump milk somewhere in the restroom when everyone knows about my loss?? Going to the funeral of my child and pumping milk afterwords?? the specialist told me that it is the way how they started it here , in Ohio. One lady who lost her baby wanted to support other children in her baby's memory. They said it actually helps other mothers to go thru the grieving process. They said I can stop at any moment. Maybe I will just do it while on my maternity leave?? I don't know yet.. I am really straggling.. I don't want to be selfish but I also do not want to destroy myself emotionally..